I did it!

So I finally did it!
I finally made the move to Cardiff.
The first week of January was spent packing up my Chroma office space at my parents home & filling suitcases with clothes. Luckily the majority of my personal things had already been moved in a few months before, so aside from Chroma there wasn't as much to take. On a rainy Saturday morning I said a very tearful goodbye to the labradors, Toby (who would be joining me once I was settled in) & my Dad and drove in convoy with Mum to Wales. As I drove across the Severn Bridge I couldn't quite believe it was actually happening.

The night before I was due to move, I had a bit of a melt down, I wanted to back out & change my mind. For months I was unable to make the move because of my knee, then December came around & Chroma went insane. This was, of course, brilliant but it would have been stupid to pack everything up and move to a different city during my busiest time of the year. By Christmas I don't think people really believed I would actually move.

The months of delays meant I had way too much time to worry about all the things that could go wrong. After everything that has happened in the past few years I hate being outside of my comfort zone, I hate "going with the flow" and "seeing how things go". I guess when your body could let you down at any minute and you're used to plans changing with little to no control over them, you start to cling on to any kind of routine, safety & certainty that you can. This makes leaving the familiar town I grew up in, my home, support system, parents, dogs, friends & children I look after and heading to live in a new house with new people in a new city pretty damn scary. To many this process would be exciting or even easy, (hell I have friends who have moved to the other side of the world!) but to me it was a big deal. I've felt pretty pathetic & embarrassed at how anxious the whole thing has made me. It annoys me that I can't seem to be more care free and not let it bother me so much. It is such a far cry from the old Gabi who moved to Uni with little worry at all.

I knew, however, that my worry of moving out wasn't going to go away. If I backed out of Cardiff I would only be delaying the inevitable. I was never going to live with my parents or in my home town forever, eventually I would have to leave. I knew I would be anxious wherever and whenever I was going, and that my only choice was to face the fear head on. After talking through every possible worry & concern with Mum she assured me it couldn't possibly be worse than I thought, I really had nothing to lose by giving it a go.

I moved down for 12 days before heading home again for days of hospital appointments & Chroma meetings, this did me good & worked like a bit of a trial period. Three weeks on from my first leaving home and over all I would say my Mum was right. Of course it is still early days but most of the things I was worried about have actually been fine and the things that have been stressful or hard I've dealt with and coped fine. My house mates are all great, I love my room & have even managed to parallel park on a daily basis. I walk a lot more than I used to, have visited Dan in Bath & went to a house party where I only knew one person (!!). I've taken up agency work as a TA which although was a nightmare the first week, is now looking a lot better and Chroma is continuing to do well. I have plans to go home every few weeks, (for birthdays, hospital appointments & Chroma stuff) which makes the chunks of time I'm in Cardiff a lot more enjoyable & keeps the homesickness under control. The whole process has been far from an easy one but I did it & I do feel pretty proud.

There are only five months left on our lease on the house & I'm not sure yet if I'll be staying in Cardiff after that point.
I guess I'll have to 'go with the flow' and 'see how things go'... (ergh).

XXX

2016 Plans & Resolutions

My plans & resolutions for 2016!


1. Raise some money for Crohn's & Colitis UK.
This has been something I have thought about for a while, but I could never decide on what to do & frankly got lazy. The past year however, I have been more aware of some of the awful things happening around the world & decided it was time to get up and actually do something worth while. After talking through things with my Mum I decided to start small(ish) & with a cause that is obviously, pretty close to my heart. I am going to take on a bit of a challenge and hopefully raise some money for Crohn's & Colitis UK.
I went through a lot of different options for what this challenge could be & decided that walking/hiking/trekking was the most up my street. I got a bit excited and spent a while looking on challenge websites - my favourite options included walking across the Alps, along the Great Wall of China or through the Sahara Desert; many of these had to be discounted as I am not able to have certain vaccines & others were either booked up or had to be booked for late 2016 or even 2017.
I began to explore the idea of a UK based challenge. Many of those listed on Charity Challenge websites involved going up. Up Ben Nevis, up Snowdon, up the Four Peaks - something which will really aggravate my knee. The pre-arranged options are also pretty regimented, with exact dates, times and an itinerary already organised for you. For some this is great but I am a complete control freak and much prefer the idea of planning & putting together my very own challenge.
I am very aware of making it 'challenging' and something worth people donating their money, it needs to be something I can work towards. A few months ago I was using crutches so frankly not much would test me at this point but I don't want it to be too easy.
My current plan is to walk Hadrian's Wall. It's a good distance, not a continuous climb up but still a challenge. I was born in Newcastle & haven't been back since I was 18 months old, so it is also a great opportunity to go back & visit! This all may change between now and May but it is going to be super exciting to organise it all & hopefully raise some money in the process.

2. Get back to exercising
For over a year I was used to going to the gym regularly, sometimes 4-5 times a week. My knee injury back in July put an abrupt stop to this & I have yet to get back in to it. Like many others, my plan for 2016 is to get my fitness levels up & back to exercising regularly. It is hard to get in to but I know it'll be worth it, it always makes me feel better both about the way I look & in controlling my anxiety.

3. Make it fun
Looking forward to 2016 I am determined to make the year fun. Spending months of 2015 house bound has inspired me to do more, try to worry less & generally have more of a good time. So far I have tickets to see Adele with my Mum, have booked to see Swan Lake at the Royal Albert Hall & have plans to go to Wimbledon. I want to have things to look forward to.

4. Have a whole day off a week
Now I think this one was on my list last year & I definitely didn't stick to it. My aim is to have one full day off Chroma a week. No emails, no checking orders. Working for yourself, it is really hard to not be thinking about it 24/7. I think it'll do me a lot of good to have 24 hours out every week.

5. Stay positive & keep an open mind
I often try and prepare for the worst because if I'm honest, in the past, the worst has happened. I have learnt over the years that things don't always go well or to plan even if you do everything you can - things are outside of your control. In some respects I think this has made me very resilient & I cope with the bad stuff well, in other ways, I think it has made me a bit of a control freak & quick to assume the worst. In 2016 I want to try and stay positive, always look on the bright side & keep an open mind about things which I would usually feel really anxious or worried about.

Hopefully I'll be able to stick to them all! Either way, I think 2016 is going to be a really great year!
xxx

Bye Bye 2015!

Hey everyone!

The last couple of months have been pretty stressful. With so much going all at once, it's been easy to get myself down, but with 2015 drawing to a close I thought it would be nice to look back at my Top 10 highlights of the year.

1. Launched new Chroma products!
2015 has been a crazy year for Chroma & one of my favourite parts has been the release of new products. It started off with the release of A5 spiral books back in January & in the last couple months I've released A4 notebooks, personalised pens & pencil cases. It is crazy to think how much the brand has grown in just 12 months and makes me so super excited for 2016.

2.  Signed a lease to rent a house in Cardiff.
Now this didn't end up going to plan BUT the very signing off the house was a pretty big deal for me. Having been poorly on and off for so long I have gotten very used to the comfort and security of home & living with my Mum and Dad. I don't like being outside my comfort zone and the thought of moving out scared me half to death but I stuck to my decision & signed for a house in Cardiff. Although my knee has been a huge set back, January 2016 I'm determined to make the move. Finally.

3. My wonderful friends have been doing amazing
2015 has been a year of change for change amongst my friendship group & we are all doing pretty good. We are moving all around the country (world), starting exciting new jobs & couples are moving in together. We all seem to be really growing up & I am so so proud of everyone.

4. The first moments of 2015
New Year's Day & the celebration the night before was without a doubt the best New Years I have ever had. One of my closest friends Zoe came back to surprise everyone after months of travelling and I was in on the secret. It was so brilliant to see everyone's faces when I turned up with her. The whole night was so much fun & one of the happiest evenings with my best and oldest friends.

5. Full time Chroma.
Making the decision to turn Chroma in to my full time job was a pretty scary leap of faith but is something I am pretty proud of. Less than a year after launching the brand I couldn't have imagined I would be making enough money to leave my part time job. When I move to Cardiff I will have to do something to supplement my income but it is all heading in the right direction.

6. Becky came back!
My gorgeous friend, Becky, came back to the UK for a months holiday a few weeks ago. I've had a pretty shitty couple months and her coming back has massively lifted my spirits. In the 13 years I've known her, she has always been so supportive & she never fails to put a smile on my face. It is amazing that you can go so long without seeing someone and it be completely normal when you do. She may be leaving again in a couple days but she has given me the boost I really needed.

7. Turning 24.
I love even numbers & two is my favourite. 2 x 2 = 4, making 24 just the best number and subsequently age ever! I also had a really lovely weekend celebrating with friends & family, including the best birthday lunch with Mum & Dad.

8. My cousins wedding
This year the first of all us cousins got married. It was a beautiful, happy day & so much fun even though I was on crutches with two swollen knees.

9. Coppafeel!
Volunteering for Coppafeel! at a festival was one of the high points of my Summer. Helping such an amazing cause & having the best time doing it was so cool. Dressing up as a boob and competing in a limbo competition was surreal & brilliant in equal measures.

10. Working with amazing brands, press & bloggers
Chroma has allowed me to work with some amazing people & brands. From American Airlines & Schuh to Estee Lauder & Coppafeel!, it's been crazy. Chroma has been featured in Glamour.com, Stylist, Tatler & The Telegraph Online & mentioned by the likes of Sprinkle of Glitter, The Saccone-Joly's & In The Frow; some of the biggest bloggers/vloggers in the world. So much has been crammed into 2015, who knows what the next year could bring.

Maybe 2015 hasn't been so bad after all... here is to 2016!

xxx

Bye Bye Bread

Hi everyone!

So, as I mentioned at the end of my last post, after months of waiting for medical help / diagnosis & finding out that it was all linked to having Crohn's Disease anyway, I decided to take matters in to my own hands and do my own research.

I know we are always told not to Google our symptoms, but since diagnosis I always have done and unfortunately have rarely been wrong. The control freak in me needs to know where I stand, all the possibilities and all the details. I have pretty much always been correct in what I think is happening, the treatment I will have or what I think the Drs will say, maybe I missed my calling in life!

After Googling arthritis due to Crohn's Disease & trawling through my trusty Crohn's Forum for advice, a few things stuck out. Lots of people noted that lifestyle and diet had helped their arthritis. Now diet has never been proven to effect/cause/cure Crohn's Disease directly, but many believe diet can effect inflammation. My joints have been inflamed for months & in fact everything "wrong" with me, comes in some form of inflammation; eczema, asthma, Crohn's Disease, arthritis. I am basically just one big inflamed thing. After much advice, positive stories & studies I decided to take on board some suggestions. For two weeks now I have been Gluten free and taking fish oil supplement every day (with bread, pizza & pasta being my favourite things, this hasn't been easy). I am trying to eat a much more Mediterranean / anti inflammatory diet. From what I have read, some have found it changed their lives, others have said it made no difference at all. I have never been one to believe or jump on to every new study/diet/fad but at this point, I haven't got anything to lose...

Amazingly, since I started this revamp two weeks ago, the swelling and consequently stiffness in my knees has gone down by about 90%. I am in a lot less pain & able to actually walk upstairs properly for the first time in a long, long time! Coincidence? After three and half months I would be surprised, although it does feel too good to be true. You might be able to control pain with your mind but you can't make your legs swell up to double their size.
I have also been having Epsom salt baths, massaging both knees, using moist heat with wheat bags & gently trying to get my normal range of movement back. Now the change in my symptoms could be down to any of these things or a combination of a few, I don't know.

What does feel really good is to have a little bit of control back or at least feel as if I do. For eight years I have been at the mercy of the disease, never knowing when I am going to be poorly. For most of this I have also been relying on my Dr's to keep me well, diagnose what is wrong & decide my medication. I am already on two quite harsh drugs and the thought of pumping another medication in to my body doesn't fill me with joy. If lifestyle & food can make enough of a difference to keep me from having to take more tablets, I am all for it. It won't cure me, there is no cure. But it may be able to make things a little bit better & it is something that is 100% down to me.

In the mean time, I finally had my appointment with the Ortho & Trauma Dr who was great. I filled him in on everything & what I thought was going on, after which he agreed with what I had said. I had some bloods taken looking for different things than my usual Crohn's blood tests & have been referred to the Rheumatologist who specialises in arthritis. Now the wait to see him begins which could be anything up to 18 weeks. I have an appointment back with the Ortho man at the end of January, to make sure things are progressing in the right direction, which I guess is a positive and should stop me from falling through the gaps & ending up with no treatment or help. Until then it's a sit and wait situation but at least I am able to get around much more easily, am not in awful pain & can start to work out when I'll be moving to Cardiff & getting my life back to normal!!

The only way is up after all.
XXX



*Please note, I am not a Dr & don't advise anyone to do what I do without seeking medical advice or help! 

A sorry state of affairs

Hi Guys,

So the last couple of weeks have been a bit mad. I had my cousins wedding mid September, which was so so amazing. Initially I was determined not to wear my bright blue knee brace, but in the end decided to opt for safety rather than vanity. I had one crutch throughout the day and managed to stay pretty much on my feet. I sat down a lot throughout the reception, as both my knees started to swell up & my muscles were aching but I did manage to dance, briefly, just moving my arms. The whole day was really beautiful and it was so nice to get out of Newbury for a couple of days.

The 4th of October was my 24th Birthday! By this point I had planned to already be living in Cardiff so it wasn't the exact weekend I had in mind a couple months back, but it was still a really brilliant birthday. On the Friday before hand I went out for some drinks with friends, it was pretty quiet but so lovely to see everyone who came. It was the first time I had been out in ages and I even risked it with no crutch or leg brace... Probably not the best idea but nothing too awful happened!
On the Saturday I went to Bath with my parents to visit my brother, Dan, who started Uni there in September.  On the Sunday (my actual birthday) I woke up to pink balloons decorating the lounge & some of the best presents! I even had a card from Toby!... Two of my best friends are currently on the other side of the world, which can be pretty tough, but they had remembered and had a card sent in time, which is pretty amazing of them and really, really made me smile. I went out for lunch with Mum and Dad before a bit of shopping with Mum. It was quite a chilled out day but perfect!

Through out this time my knees haven't really improved, I have good and bad days. Sometimes I am able to walk without crutches and there is minimal swelling, at this point I always think it must be getting better. The next week, the knee swells up so much I can't bend it and becomes so painful. What has been really strange, is my 'good' knee has often been worse than the 'bad' one. I've been soldiering on, counting down to my ortho appointment to discuss my MRI, waiting to find out what I have actually done.
Three months on from the yoga class I received a letter saying that my appointment had been cancelled and pushed back by another 2 weeks to the 29th of October. It is safe to say I had a bit of a melt down. I have been unable to work properly, walk Toby, drive or move to Cardiff & the thought of any more time not knowing what was wrong panicked me a little. I spoke to an ortho receptionist who I have to say was unbelievably rude & failed to help at all, she even disconnected the call when I asked to speak to someone else. After a good cry I rung PALS, hoping they might be able to help. Cutting a long story short, a couple days later I received the good news that the appointment had been bought back forward by a week, to the 22nd. Not ideal, but a definite improvement!

In the mean time, I also rung my GP, mainly to get more pain killers but also to touch base & to check whether she had access to my MRI results, as I still didn't know what I had done. She hadn't been sent the results (the new way of doing things) but was able to look it up for me. The scan revealed that, I had done no damage to any tendon/ligament etc and my joint was perfectly healthy. Safe to say I was confused. For 3 months I had been told by multiple people that they thought my meniscus had been torn. Although it has not been formally diagnosed yet, it is thought that my knee pain is actually an arthritic reaction linked to my Crohn's...

Yup. Three months of pain, sitting on waiting list after waiting list, being seen my so many different people & it turns out to be something completely different to what they thought. I had a bit of a wobble when I found out, the whole process has been exhausting and so frustrating, I couldn't really believe it.
I'm still not sure what the outcome is going to be but from what I understand, the yoga will have weakened and irritated my knee joints & my body reacted badly causing an arthritis flare. Normally, this is associated with active Crohn's, however, I am currently not experiencing a Crohn's flare and my bloods are normal. Aha this is where it gets interesting! This form of arthritis, although caused/linked to the Crohn's Disease can apparently go un noticed on bloods but also flare and react independently to the Crohn's. Brilliant news all round.

I am yet to know anything about treatment or when I will have any of it sorted. It is, however, looking like something I will have to manage and deal with, like the Crohn's, for the rest of my life. Fab. This revelation, does however, explain a lot. Why both knees were bad & why it goes in waves of severity, with one minute fine and the next awful. It is thought that I will be referred from ortho to rheomatology, to sort this all out. Who knows how long that will take but at least we are now (fingers crossed) heading in the right direction.

Right now, it is safe to say I'm pretty fed up but also un surprised. On hearing this, many people will be rolling their eyes, "classic Gabi", "always something", "here we go again" - & you would be right, but it also sucks. I'm sure I will get my head around it & once under control will be managed and kept stabile so I can get my life back to normal. Three months is a really long time to put pause on everything.

Due to the fact I have no idea when it will be sorted, I have started to do my research and take matters in to my own hands. A bit of a lifestyle over haul has occurred which I will explain more about in my next post later this week.

Lots of love xxx

7 weeks later...

Hi Guys,

So it has been a while since my yoga catastrophe and things have not really been going to plan. As you may have read in my last post, I was sent home from A&E with a packet of codeine & the hope I would be on my feet soon.

Well 7 weeks later and I have just had my 'urgent' knee Dr appointment. In that time, I have gone from no weight barring at all & on two crutches to hobbling around on one out the house and getting by with none at home so that is an improvement. On the other hand, my one holiday of the year to Paris was cancelled, I have been unable to drive & the move to Cardiff has yet to go ahead, although I am paying rent on the new house. Safe to say I'm pretty fed up.

Luckily I am able to work at home with Chroma so that is all still going really well. Mum & Dad have been a massive help getting all my orders to the Post Office and driving me around at weekends.  I have however had to turn down a lot of part time work which has left me pretty stuck, money wise. I have also had to spend a great deal of time on my own, stuck in the house - the record has been 8 days straight without leaving our street. Great!

7 weeks feels like a hell of a long time to wait for an urgent appointment but there was nothing I could do about it. When I finally saw the Dr, he was very kind but said he needed an MRI to be able to know what was wrong. Even I knew that would be needed. I am now waiting for an MRI scan before waiting to go back & see the knee Dr to find out what exactly is wrong & what treatment is needed.

About 3 weeks into the injury my "good" knee swelled up and became very stiff, I had two swollen knees. Thankfully I had another phsyio appointment booked so I was able to get some help, she informed me that I was starting to damage the "good" knee and needed to stop that getting even worse ASAP. Since then I have been sporting a rather beautiful blue knee brace... on the "good" knee. It has helped a lot and the swelling has done down. The physio also estimated that worst case scenario I would be looking at 6 months before being able to drive/move out/walk etc. so fingers crossed improve a lot faster than that!

The main issue at the mo is that I should have moved to Cardiff about 2 weeks ago, my room is looking beautiful and everything is ready to go, if only my knees were too! I can't move until I am can drive, get to my part-time job & able to walk Toby. I don't know how long that will be, I've just got to play it by ear.

Talk about one thing after another eh?! Will of course update soon.
xxx

Calamity Gabi

Hi guys,

So I like to keep things interesting and can never stay in one piece for long.
As I may have mentioned for the past couple weeks I have been having phsyio on my weak knee, although there is no injury there it was left a bit unhappy after the on/off arthritis. The physio and gym sessions have been going really well and my fitness and strength levels are at their highest. I went to the physio on Monday morning, she was super impressed with my leg strength and thought the bad leg was actually now stronger than the other! Great news all round. She suggested I do the normally painful activities like cycling and swimming lengths and sent me on my way with a final appointment booked to make sure things were still going okay.

That evening I decided to head to a Yoga Fitness class. I have done yoga and pilates before and my brother has gotten really in to this class in particular. A group of us went down and things were going well. It was a tough work out but my hyper flexibility meant that a lot of the moves were quite easy. That was until we moved on to a one legged lunge in to a knee raise. All my weight was on one leg and it involved balancing. We were supposed to do a set of 10, and I think I managed maybe 6 before it was really painful, I decided to skip the rest, my knee could not hack this. The constant switching between bending my knees and stretching them out had my legs feeling like jelly, but I assumed this was normal. At the end of the class I wasn't in an awful amount of pain so put it down to a good work out.

The following morning I woke up with some minor swelling in my left knee and a lot of stiffness, I just carried on with my normal actives. The next morning the knee was worse, I iced and elevated and took ibuprofen in the hope it would sort itself out. I had definitely done too much but went on a stroll, thinking it would loosen it up. On Thursday I woke up and the knee was huge. The swelling had gotten even worse and it was now really tricky to walk on. I still didn't take it very seriously and continued to try and act normally. By that evening it was the biggest it had been and nothing seemed to get the swelling down. We decided if it wasn't better by the following morning I would head to Minor Injuries. I had already tried all the normal things, pain killers, ice and elevate, normal movement, resting & hot water bottle so I was getting a bit concerned.

Friday morning came and it was no better. If anything, it was worse. My knee was now double it's normal size I was unable to walk or drive. I couldn't bend or straighten it, it was stuck in a weird position. Minor Injuries it was. I eventually saw a nurse who took all my knee history and decided I should be seen by the Dr as an emergency appointment as there was nothing much they could do. Later that day I went to my GP, who knows me well by now (I've been in and out of there far too many times) and we were laughing at how ridiculous it was that I had managed to hurt myself doing yoga of all things. As she tried and failed to bend and straighten my leg she told I needed to go to A&E... One week after I was discharged for Margaret playing up I was looking at having to go back. I think my face looked horrified and we agreed that we would wait over the weekend and it it was no better by 9am on Monday morning, I would see her again and go up to A&E. I asked what she thought needed doing and she replied, "an op".
Oh great!
I left with anti inflammatory tablets and the promise that if it got any worse I would go straight in.

Saturday was tricky but no worse, I crutched around town with Mum, rested it, iced the knee and took the tablets. I tell you what, crutches are exhausting, but at least it's a work out for my arms and core!  Unable to move my knee I had no choice but to sleep sat up right, with my leg propped up on a cushion. I couldn't lie on my side, how I normally would and was in quite a lot of pain. I drifted off at around midnight but woke up at 2am with such a sharp pain up my leg. I think I must have tried to bend it in my sleep - stupid sleeping Gabi! I failed to go back to sleep for the rest of the night. The pain was worse than ever and the swelling hadn't gone down.
Sunday morning I had had enough, it was getting worse, no better, so Mum took me in to A&E, again.

This time I wasn't at risk of getting really poorly so wasn't rushed through. Instead I had to sit and wait for a Dr, two hours later I was seen by a lovely lady who examined, took down all details and sent me off for an Xray. I was also given codeine for the pain, thank god! The Xray came back clear meaning there were no breaks to my knee cap or anything and the swelling wasn't down to fluid. This meant it had to be tissue damage. She suspected a tear in my meniscus but couldn't be certain, but my knee was locked, which explained why I couldn't move it. She said that due to it not being a break I would not be admitted to hospital and could go home. She put in and urgent referral to the knee clinic for me and hoped I would be seen soon.

I explained that it had gotten worse over a week and that I was getting pretty fed up. She suspected it would be some weeks before I was back walking/driving again. I then pointed out I had a city break in Paris booked for 4 weeks time, she just crossed her fingers. She hoped it would get back to normal on it's own and if not the knee specialist would be able to help. I left A&E with a pack of codeine feeling pretty down in the dumps.

Riding the hospital buggy

Since then my knee has gotten no better. The swelling has remained the same and I need codeine to help with the pain through the night. I am still on crutches and not able to put any weight on it. I don't see how it is going to get better on it's own and am just waiting for a referral. They've said it could be up to a 6 week wait for urgent referrals... what's urgent about 6 weeks I don't know. Until then, if nothing changes, I am pretty stuck, literally. I am lucky in that I mainly work from home and still with my parents so have help, it would be so much worse if this wasn't the case. I have had to turn down other work and don't really have any idea when I'll be on my feet again.
It is the most frustrating thing ever. I am gutted about potentially missing out on Paris, it's my only break booked all year. I am also due to move out the day after I get back which could potentially also be an issue if I'm still not back on my feet.

The left knee which I can neither straighten or bend

Morally of the story, don't exercise.