At the start of the month, I spent the best seven days with my family on a lovely holiday to Cornwall. I took the whole time off of work, which I never do & it did a lot of good. We ate a whole lot of fish and chips, went on cliff top walks & I devoured four books. I needed the time to chill out after a pretty crappy week before.
Two days before we left for Cornwall, I had my first appointment with my new consultant, at my new hospital. My original greatly trusted, consultant had moved elsewhere, so I felt it was a good time to get a new perspective at one of the best hospitals. My surgery was done there and it's where my brother is treated, so it made a lot of sense. At the appointment I had a very honest but much needed conversation regarding the disease. After not much more than 10 minutes it was decided that Margaret was definitely going to be made permanent. No going back, rest of my life, permanent. Until now, I have all of my intestines, bowel etc. intact and a chunk of it has just been sat there chilling out. The goal was that the long rest would allow my intestines to clear up and I would be flare free. The ideal scenario was to eventually have Margaret reversed, allowing the bag to go and the disease to be more under control. Unfortunately, this hasn't happened. I knew, going in, that I had a 1-2 in 10 chance of having the reversal but I (like everyone) was confident I might be that small percentage. This nasty disease has other ideas.
Since my Margaret surgery, three years ago, my life has been so, so much better than before but definitely not 'normal'. The rested bowel has not remained flare free causing symptoms to get worse intermittently. These symptoms have been slight and so much easier to cope with than pre-surgery that they have been pretty easy to live with. Recently, however, these symptoms have gotten worse. The inflammation from the perianal Crohn's is bad, I have slight stomach cramps and back ache and my knees react to the inflammation every couple months. Fatigue has also been something that I have had to cope with on a daily basis, this symptom never went away but in the past few months, has gotten worse. I wake up tired, spend days recovering from a busy weekend and need to pace my day constantly. It is by far, my worst Crohn's symptom. The consultant confirmed that had I not had Margaret I would undoubtably currently be very sick indeed. Due to all of this, the fact I have run out of medication options & that despite Margaret I am still flaring, she is going to become a permanent fixture.
Despite knowing that this was probably going to happen & it really not being a shock (as always I went in guessing what the consultant was going to day) it was still a very shitty blow when it was confirmed. This is a much bigger surgery than the first one, (probably going to be a panproctocolectomy) which is the permanent removal of my colon, rectum and anal canal (how lovely). It is, clearly, irreversible. The recovery time is longer, the risks are high and the long term effects are worse. The main consideration is the potential effect on the ability to have children, when you want them. This particular surgery can create a 30% delay in having kids. The good news it doesn't effect how the reproductive system works, if it's healthy to start with it tends to remain so, but it can create a delay when trying. It doesn't effect every woman and doesn't mean 'I'll never have kids' but does mean it can take 30% longer to do so, if/when I wanted to. On the other hand, I know plenty of women who have had this op who fell pregnant straight away, with no trouble at all, having anticipated it taking a while. It's something I have no control over, is not the end of the world but equally something I'm trying no to think about. Working for myself is also a consideration, the operation will hopefully be on my terms and at a time which best suits my life and schedule.
This surgery will be different to the first. Last time, I had a three day warning. This time, I may have weeks or even months to plan it. In many ways, this is great! We all know, I love to plan (think of the lists!!!). The downside is, I have far too long to worry, stress & overthink about it. Now that I know it's happening, I'd rather it was over and done with.
My feelings on the impending surgery are mixed and ever changing, which I think is probably normal and is why I've taken a few weeks to write this. My loveliest, closest friends and wonderful family all know and have, as always, been amazing. This is a big deal, but hopefully humour and positivity will see me through some of the bad days.
The next couple weeks are, unfortunately, filled with tests, scans & appointments, allowing my consultant and surgeon to get a complete picture of how bad the disease is, where it has spread & how long I can hold off on having the surgery done. I'll ensure to document the journey, as always, including the very exciting 'tablet endoscopy' which involves me swallowing a capsule sized camera/light/transmitter device which films my insides as it makes it's way through my body. You read correctly, I AM SWALLOWING A ROBOT.
Over and out.
Monday, 18 July 2016
Monday, 6 June 2016
Three Years On...
Today marks three years since I had my ileostomy surgery.
This time three years ago I was sat in the ward with my Mum, feeling a bit shell shocked, exhausted and very sore. Two years ago today my life very different again; I had just handed in my final major project & was looking forward to graduating. Reading my post from one year ago today, I was having a bit of a wobble. Margaret was looking permanent and I think that hit me harder than I thought it would. A year on and today I’m in a pretty good place, the last year has had it’s tough moments but Margaret and I are getting along fine.
Three years on, I thought I’d look back at the things I have learnt along the way…
- I pretty much fail at being embarrassed.
From tubes put in places they should never go, in front of a room of people and an old man opening a toilet door to show me & Margaret to a queue of people, to bag leaks and non flushing toilets. It’s safe to say that there is little left that can embarrass me. I guess I live life on the edge and am now able to largely brush embarrassing moments off with a laugh.
- People don’t care.
When I found out I was going to be having Margaret part of me really worried about what others would think. In the past three years I have never had a bad word said directly to me & only once has something been said behind my back, that I'm aware of. I think that’s pretty good going. I’ve learnt that frankly, people don’t care about her and a lot of people have forgotten she is even there. Although a big deal to me, she’s not a big deal to anyone else.
- The only limitations I have, are those I put on myself.
Apart from wearing a pair of silk shorts, Margaret hasn’t stopped me doing anything. The times I’ve worried about her, have all been down to my own issues rather than anything to do with living with an ileostomy. Margaret does not limit my life, in fact, compared to the pretty miserable year I had before her, she only enhances it.
- You never get over it.
In the past I have expected myself to get over the fact I have Margaret, that I would get used to her and that she wouldn’t bother me anymore. Right now, I don’t think this will ever happen. I have very good times when I feel like I can take on the world, but I also have times when I get so fed up. The reality is, it’s not all positivity and loving life, sometimes it feels really, really shit.
- My support system is pretty great.
They say when times are tough you really get to know who cares and I’m hugely lucky to be surrounded by such caring, wonderful people.
I don’t think the amazing friends who have stuck around every time I have to cancel plans because I’m exhausted, text me from the other side of the world when I'm fed up or offer lifts because my knee is swollen (again), realise how much better they make my life. They are incredibly understanding yet treat me no different and I love them all for that.
My parents, especially, have always been so, so incredible, I don’t know what I would do without them. Every set back and flare up effects them as well, yet their love, reassurance and support has never wavered (even when I moved back home for the millionth time), I love them and my two brothers to pieces, and can’t thank them enough.
Happy Birthday Margaret
XXX
Thursday, 19 May 2016
World IBD Day: My thoughts.
Today is World IBD Day, a day dedicated to heightening awareness, raising money & ridding the stigma associated with IBD (Inflammatory Bowel Disease).
Every 30 minutes someone in the UK is diagnosed with Crohn's Disease or Ulcerative Colitis, 300,000 people in the UK are currently living with the IBD; that is 1 in every 210 people living with a life-long, incurable, unpredictable and life changing disease. These are pretty staggering figures for a group of diseases with very little coverage, knowledge or awareness. This generally comes down to the fact that it's an 'embarrassing' and largely hidden disease, people are scared to talk about it for fear of others reaction.
Just a few months ago BBC South Today asked views to 'look away now if you're eating your dinner' before a feature including ostomy bags. No graphic imagery was shown, this warning was cast at the mention of the subject. The Archers on Radio 4 also has a running story line where a particularly nasty character has been left with an ostomy. It is mentioned nearly every week, each time with a tone of negativity, horror or disgust. Those following & commenting on Twitter, actively show their pleasure in seeing such an awful man 'getting what he deserves' in the form of a colostomy. I am sure other medical topics such as cancer, stroke, limb amputation or MS would never be used in such a way, so why Ostomy bags?
This kind of public stance, only compounds many peoples incorrect and ignorant perception of those living with IBD or bags.
Of course, it isn't all awful. IBD and Ostomy's are being discussed much more than they ever used to be, and I believe it is all generally going in the right direction to both raising awareness and finding a cure. However, a huge amount more is still left to be done. Awareness needs to be generated, sufferers should not be made to feel isolated, embarrassed or frightened, stigma needs to removed, IBD should no longer be a taboo subject.
This past year my bowel has largely been on it's best behaviour. I am now nearing 3 years of living with Margaret, my ileostomy, and symptoms have settled more than I could have ever imagined. My quality of life has been improved immeasurably and I've grown to accept the little pouch attached to my tummy. Of course, I have my down moments but these are much fewer than they ever used to be. So whilst my bowel symptoms have been on the up, I have had to deal with a rather nasty side of Crohn's disease, I barely knew existed. Being diagnosed with Axial Enteropathic Arthritis has not been easy and has annoyingly gotten in the way of lots of things in the past 12 months. I won't bore you again with the (very) long story, you can always read back on the last few posts for that, but it certainly hasn't been smooth sailing in the old knee department. Fatigue is also something that effects my life every day and anxiety likes to rear it's ugly head too. It hasn't been the worst year for having Crohn's but it's certainly not been the easiest.
I've often thought, if I could snap my fingers, would I get rid of having Crohn's Disease? And of course, I would, it would be great not to have to deal with it on a daily basis. But in many ways, I can't imagine my life without it. Aside from being completely used to the daily medication, giving myself injections, having blood tests & Dr's appointments every few months & dealing with the constantly changing symptoms. It has also, without a doubt, changed me as a person and I really don't know what I would be like or how my life would be, had I never been diagnosed.
IBD has made me strong and resilient, I have learnt to let go of the minor, insignificant 'small stuff' that used to bother me and to not let other people and their actions get me down. I'm much more aware of who and what matters & massively appreciate the amazing people around me and the times when I'm able to live life normally, I try not too take these things for granted. IBD has made me fiercely determined; to succeed and to do everything I want to do. When life knocks me down, I've learnt to bounce right back up again. All of these traits and skills I've developed largely from having the disease. Crohn's has taken a lot away and made life pretty damn hard but it has given me a lot too.
So here is to another year of IBD. Talking about it, raising awareness and hopefully getting one step closer to finding a cure.
Happy IBD Day guys!
XXX
Every 30 minutes someone in the UK is diagnosed with Crohn's Disease or Ulcerative Colitis, 300,000 people in the UK are currently living with the IBD; that is 1 in every 210 people living with a life-long, incurable, unpredictable and life changing disease. These are pretty staggering figures for a group of diseases with very little coverage, knowledge or awareness. This generally comes down to the fact that it's an 'embarrassing' and largely hidden disease, people are scared to talk about it for fear of others reaction.
Just a few months ago BBC South Today asked views to 'look away now if you're eating your dinner' before a feature including ostomy bags. No graphic imagery was shown, this warning was cast at the mention of the subject. The Archers on Radio 4 also has a running story line where a particularly nasty character has been left with an ostomy. It is mentioned nearly every week, each time with a tone of negativity, horror or disgust. Those following & commenting on Twitter, actively show their pleasure in seeing such an awful man 'getting what he deserves' in the form of a colostomy. I am sure other medical topics such as cancer, stroke, limb amputation or MS would never be used in such a way, so why Ostomy bags?
This kind of public stance, only compounds many peoples incorrect and ignorant perception of those living with IBD or bags.
Of course, it isn't all awful. IBD and Ostomy's are being discussed much more than they ever used to be, and I believe it is all generally going in the right direction to both raising awareness and finding a cure. However, a huge amount more is still left to be done. Awareness needs to be generated, sufferers should not be made to feel isolated, embarrassed or frightened, stigma needs to removed, IBD should no longer be a taboo subject.
This past year my bowel has largely been on it's best behaviour. I am now nearing 3 years of living with Margaret, my ileostomy, and symptoms have settled more than I could have ever imagined. My quality of life has been improved immeasurably and I've grown to accept the little pouch attached to my tummy. Of course, I have my down moments but these are much fewer than they ever used to be. So whilst my bowel symptoms have been on the up, I have had to deal with a rather nasty side of Crohn's disease, I barely knew existed. Being diagnosed with Axial Enteropathic Arthritis has not been easy and has annoyingly gotten in the way of lots of things in the past 12 months. I won't bore you again with the (very) long story, you can always read back on the last few posts for that, but it certainly hasn't been smooth sailing in the old knee department. Fatigue is also something that effects my life every day and anxiety likes to rear it's ugly head too. It hasn't been the worst year for having Crohn's but it's certainly not been the easiest.
Photo credit @spoiltbytes
I've often thought, if I could snap my fingers, would I get rid of having Crohn's Disease? And of course, I would, it would be great not to have to deal with it on a daily basis. But in many ways, I can't imagine my life without it. Aside from being completely used to the daily medication, giving myself injections, having blood tests & Dr's appointments every few months & dealing with the constantly changing symptoms. It has also, without a doubt, changed me as a person and I really don't know what I would be like or how my life would be, had I never been diagnosed.
IBD has made me strong and resilient, I have learnt to let go of the minor, insignificant 'small stuff' that used to bother me and to not let other people and their actions get me down. I'm much more aware of who and what matters & massively appreciate the amazing people around me and the times when I'm able to live life normally, I try not too take these things for granted. IBD has made me fiercely determined; to succeed and to do everything I want to do. When life knocks me down, I've learnt to bounce right back up again. All of these traits and skills I've developed largely from having the disease. Crohn's has taken a lot away and made life pretty damn hard but it has given me a lot too.
So here is to another year of IBD. Talking about it, raising awareness and hopefully getting one step closer to finding a cure.
Happy IBD Day guys!
XXX
Friday, 13 May 2016
Never stretching again.
Hi everyone,
How are we all doing?
As you know last year I found out my flexible joints weren't just a party trick but a condition called Joint Hyper Mobility Syndrome. Although this comes in handy when doing the limbo, it can also make life pretty annoying. I have recently found it near impossible to stretch off my muscles, especially in my legs. They ache all the time & my ligaments and joints just keep on bending when I try to stretch them off. A few weeks ago, I decided enough was enough and I had a real good stretch. I tried to be careful as I'm super aware of my naughty knees and their need to swell up when I do anything other than a gentle stroll, but I just couldn't help myself.
Sure enough, the following morning my left knee started to give me jip. The arthritis just jumps on the weak joint and causes havoc. I spent two days trying to walk it off, resting it when I could and basically ignoring the problem until I had no choice but to give in. The brace went on, ice & hot water bottles were alternated and I spent days sat resting but my knee continued to swell up until I was no longer able to walk. The crutches had to come out the loft and I was popping codeine to try and stop the constant pain. Luckily, this time round I knew what was going on and knew I wouldn't have the months of hell ahead like last time.
I already had an appointment with my consultant the following week but I rang the hospital arthritis helpline for some advice to get me through the next few days or hopefully bring the appointment forward. They eventually got back to me the following day to tell me there wasn't anyone available to speak to me until after the weekend, when they would call back. By Monday I was thoroughly fed up, the weather had been amazing and I had spent most of the time sat in a chair watching my friends Snapchat their lives at the beach and having picnics. The pain had been particularly bad and more constant than last time. As predicated, the hospital did not call me back but given I had an appointment in place I didn't worry too much and concentrated on getting through the next couple days.
A few days later I hopped (literally) in a taxi and saw a knee Dr who once again aspirated the knee, taking out all of the excess fluid that was causing the swelling. The average knee only has a few ml's of fluid in there but she managed to get a whole pot of yellowy/orange liquid out of my little knee. The procedure wasn't pleasant, in fact, it hurt a lot. Having a needle placed in the side of your knee, under your knee cap, is not fun but the Dr was amazing in keeping me calm and the instant relief once it was done was bliss and 100% worth the discomfort. Within days I am now able to walk again and the swelling has (touch wood) not returned. The Dr agreed that my Crohn's seems stable and that both my arthritis flares have been due to 'exercise' (see gentle stretching) and that I would therefore benefit from having physio and strengthening the muscles in my legs again to try and support the joint. Fingers crossed, once that is sorted I won't have these flares as often!
Next week I am off on a city break to Rome & I could not be more excited! Having to cancel my holiday to Paris last year was absolutely gutting so I was determined to make it this time round and so far things are looking good... Roll on Italia where I will be doubling my body weight in pasta, pizza & gelato!
XXX
How are we all doing?
As you know last year I found out my flexible joints weren't just a party trick but a condition called Joint Hyper Mobility Syndrome. Although this comes in handy when doing the limbo, it can also make life pretty annoying. I have recently found it near impossible to stretch off my muscles, especially in my legs. They ache all the time & my ligaments and joints just keep on bending when I try to stretch them off. A few weeks ago, I decided enough was enough and I had a real good stretch. I tried to be careful as I'm super aware of my naughty knees and their need to swell up when I do anything other than a gentle stroll, but I just couldn't help myself.
Sure enough, the following morning my left knee started to give me jip. The arthritis just jumps on the weak joint and causes havoc. I spent two days trying to walk it off, resting it when I could and basically ignoring the problem until I had no choice but to give in. The brace went on, ice & hot water bottles were alternated and I spent days sat resting but my knee continued to swell up until I was no longer able to walk. The crutches had to come out the loft and I was popping codeine to try and stop the constant pain. Luckily, this time round I knew what was going on and knew I wouldn't have the months of hell ahead like last time.
I already had an appointment with my consultant the following week but I rang the hospital arthritis helpline for some advice to get me through the next few days or hopefully bring the appointment forward. They eventually got back to me the following day to tell me there wasn't anyone available to speak to me until after the weekend, when they would call back. By Monday I was thoroughly fed up, the weather had been amazing and I had spent most of the time sat in a chair watching my friends Snapchat their lives at the beach and having picnics. The pain had been particularly bad and more constant than last time. As predicated, the hospital did not call me back but given I had an appointment in place I didn't worry too much and concentrated on getting through the next couple days.
A few days later I hopped (literally) in a taxi and saw a knee Dr who once again aspirated the knee, taking out all of the excess fluid that was causing the swelling. The average knee only has a few ml's of fluid in there but she managed to get a whole pot of yellowy/orange liquid out of my little knee. The procedure wasn't pleasant, in fact, it hurt a lot. Having a needle placed in the side of your knee, under your knee cap, is not fun but the Dr was amazing in keeping me calm and the instant relief once it was done was bliss and 100% worth the discomfort. Within days I am now able to walk again and the swelling has (touch wood) not returned. The Dr agreed that my Crohn's seems stable and that both my arthritis flares have been due to 'exercise' (see gentle stretching) and that I would therefore benefit from having physio and strengthening the muscles in my legs again to try and support the joint. Fingers crossed, once that is sorted I won't have these flares as often!
Next week I am off on a city break to Rome & I could not be more excited! Having to cancel my holiday to Paris last year was absolutely gutting so I was determined to make it this time round and so far things are looking good... Roll on Italia where I will be doubling my body weight in pasta, pizza & gelato!
XXX
Thursday, 11 February 2016
The knee mystery is solved.
Hi guys!
So my recent week back home was jam packed busy. Although Cardiff is a great city, it is annoyingly a little too far from everything else I have going on. I have to plan every trip back carefully to ensure I'm not spending all my time, back and forth on the M4.
This first visit back was spent childminding, heading to Chroma meetings and importantly at two hospital appointments for my knee.
My knees have actually been pretty good recently. Although I haven't been able to kneel properly since July and they do ache after any form of exercise, they are no longer swelling up or particularly painful. My first knee appointment was with the Ortho surgeon, it was a follow up from my last one - the idea was to ensure that the Rheumatologist was happy to take me on before Ortho discharged me. The waiting time has however been so long that upon my Ortho appointment I had yet to see the Rheumatologist... Safe to say I think the Dr felt pretty awkward at the lack of progress since I had last seen them but agreed that there was nothing they could do for me as no surgery was going to be needed! He was happy to discharge me & allow the Rheumatologist to take over treatment from here on, in.
Five days later I headed to finally see the Rheumatologist. I had expected a 10 minute outpatient appointment as normal but ended up being in there for 45 minutes! I did however, leave with a diagnosis & plan of action going forward.
It turns out that I definitely do have arthritis, enteropathic arthritis to be exact. This is not your usual rheumatoid or osteoarthritis, it is not associated with the elderly and often has little effect on the actual bones themselves.
It is a form of "chronic inflammatory arthritis associated with the occurrence of an inflammatory bowel disease". Basically, it's all down the to Crohn's. Like the Crohn's there is no cure and no rhyme or reason why it happens. My body is doing the exact same thing it does with my bowel, but to my joints. It usually flares up when the bowel is inflamed but it can sometimes work alone. It is another thing that will need treatment and will come and go for the rest of my life. Fab news all round.
The treatment for the arthritis is largely the same as with the Crohn's, meaning that the list of medications that no longer work for me with the Crohn's won't work on the arthritis either. The Dr has upped one of the drugs I'm already on & will now be in touch with my Gastro Dr on what can changed or swapped going forward should the knees swell up again.
The last flare up occurred three years ago, before I ended up in hospital for the first time. The Dr explained that because of this it could be years before my next arthritis flare. If that is the case then he reckons treatment could be removal of the fluid and a steroid injection to nip it in the bud.
If, however, the flares become more regular then new meds will have to be looked in to, although I'm trying not to think about that for now.
He did also casually mention that really, I should have had the fluid extracted & a steroid shot right at the very start and that may well have sorted the knee out straight away... way back in July, seven months ago. Again, something I'm trying not to think about.
If, however, the flares become more regular then new meds will have to be looked in to, although I'm trying not to think about that for now.
He did also casually mention that really, I should have had the fluid extracted & a steroid shot right at the very start and that may well have sorted the knee out straight away... way back in July, seven months ago. Again, something I'm trying not to think about.
After 20 minutes of going through my medical history, diagnosis & treatment plan I thought the appointment would be coming to and end. Boy was I very wrong. Upon examining my joints & realising that the knee was still giving me a little trouble he decided fluid extraction & a steroid injection would be a good idea. Now, the last time fluid was taken from my knee I think I hit the ceiling with the pain, and three pots of fluid were extracted. Safe to say I wasn't looking forward to this.
I'll save too many of the details for the squeamish but the procedure involved a 2inch needle going in to my knee (with no local aesthetic), not the most fun way of spending a Wednesday afternoon.
Unlike last time, he wasn't able to get any fluid out, which meant there wasn't much inflammation at the time. He then put a steroid injection in to the joint, hoping to relieve some of the stiffness and achey pain when I exercise or kneel down.
Due to the joint not being inflamed the pain wasn't as awful as I remembered, although still pretty uncomfortable. Luckily after about 45 seconds it was all done and I was able get out of there! My knees ached a hell of a lot for the next two days but have since felt amazing. I am once again able to kneel down and have had no pain or stiffness at all, it's a miracle!
Unlike last time, he wasn't able to get any fluid out, which meant there wasn't much inflammation at the time. He then put a steroid injection in to the joint, hoping to relieve some of the stiffness and achey pain when I exercise or kneel down.
Due to the joint not being inflamed the pain wasn't as awful as I remembered, although still pretty uncomfortable. Luckily after about 45 seconds it was all done and I was able get out of there! My knees ached a hell of a lot for the next two days but have since felt amazing. I am once again able to kneel down and have had no pain or stiffness at all, it's a miracle!
My research and previous knee issues meant I was pretty prepared for the diagnosis, once again I saw it coming and turned out to be right. Being told for certain that it is something I'll have to deal with on going was a bit of a blow, but I am pretty used to it by now. Going forward there isn't really anything I can do to stop it happening again; reducing stress, keeping up exercise & taking my medication is really all that is in my control. I can also once again eat gluten, something which makes me ever so happy!
Hopefully the Dr is right & it could be years before I next have any issue. If it does flare up again, however, I will already be in the system and will never have to wait over 6 months to see the right person again.
Hopefully the Dr is right & it could be years before I next have any issue. If it does flare up again, however, I will already be in the system and will never have to wait over 6 months to see the right person again.
Finally the mystery of the knees has been solved!
Onwards & upwards....
XXX
Sunday, 31 January 2016
I did it!
So I finally did it!
I finally made the move to Cardiff.
The first week of January was spent packing up my Chroma office space at my parents home & filling suitcases with clothes. Luckily the majority of my personal things had already been moved in a few months before, so aside from Chroma there wasn't as much to take. On a rainy Saturday morning I said a very tearful goodbye to the labradors, Toby (who would be joining me once I was settled in) & my Dad and drove in convoy with Mum to Wales. As I drove across the Severn Bridge I couldn't quite believe it was actually happening.
The night before I was due to move, I had a bit of a melt down, I wanted to back out & change my mind. For months I was unable to make the move because of my knee, then December came around & Chroma went insane. This was, of course, brilliant but it would have been stupid to pack everything up and move to a different city during my busiest time of the year. By Christmas I don't think people really believed I would actually move.
The months of delays meant I had way too much time to worry about all the things that could go wrong. After everything that has happened in the past few years I hate being outside of my comfort zone, I hate "going with the flow" and "seeing how things go". I guess when your body could let you down at any minute and you're used to plans changing with little to no control over them, you start to cling on to any kind of routine, safety & certainty that you can. This makes leaving the familiar town I grew up in, my home, support system, parents, dogs, friends & children I look after and heading to live in a new house with new people in a new city pretty damn scary. To many this process would be exciting or even easy, (hell I have friends who have moved to the other side of the world!) but to me it was a big deal. I've felt pretty pathetic & embarrassed at how anxious the whole thing has made me. It annoys me that I can't seem to be more care free and not let it bother me so much. It is such a far cry from the old Gabi who moved to Uni with little worry at all.
I knew, however, that my worry of moving out wasn't going to go away. If I backed out of Cardiff I would only be delaying the inevitable. I was never going to live with my parents or in my home town forever, eventually I would have to leave. I knew I would be anxious wherever and whenever I was going, and that my only choice was to face the fear head on. After talking through every possible worry & concern with Mum she assured me it couldn't possibly be worse than I thought, I really had nothing to lose by giving it a go.
I moved down for 12 days before heading home again for days of hospital appointments & Chroma meetings, this did me good & worked like a bit of a trial period. Three weeks on from my first leaving home and over all I would say my Mum was right. Of course it is still early days but most of the things I was worried about have actually been fine and the things that have been stressful or hard I've dealt with and coped fine. My house mates are all great, I love my room & have even managed to parallel park on a daily basis. I walk a lot more than I used to, have visited Dan in Bath & went to a house party where I only knew one person (!!). I've taken up agency work as a TA which although was a nightmare the first week, is now looking a lot better and Chroma is continuing to do well. I have plans to go home every few weeks, (for birthdays, hospital appointments & Chroma stuff) which makes the chunks of time I'm in Cardiff a lot more enjoyable & keeps the homesickness under control. The whole process has been far from an easy one but I did it & I do feel pretty proud.
There are only five months left on our lease on the house & I'm not sure yet if I'll be staying in Cardiff after that point.
I guess I'll have to 'go with the flow' and 'see how things go'... (ergh).
XXX
I finally made the move to Cardiff.
The first week of January was spent packing up my Chroma office space at my parents home & filling suitcases with clothes. Luckily the majority of my personal things had already been moved in a few months before, so aside from Chroma there wasn't as much to take. On a rainy Saturday morning I said a very tearful goodbye to the labradors, Toby (who would be joining me once I was settled in) & my Dad and drove in convoy with Mum to Wales. As I drove across the Severn Bridge I couldn't quite believe it was actually happening.
The night before I was due to move, I had a bit of a melt down, I wanted to back out & change my mind. For months I was unable to make the move because of my knee, then December came around & Chroma went insane. This was, of course, brilliant but it would have been stupid to pack everything up and move to a different city during my busiest time of the year. By Christmas I don't think people really believed I would actually move.
The months of delays meant I had way too much time to worry about all the things that could go wrong. After everything that has happened in the past few years I hate being outside of my comfort zone, I hate "going with the flow" and "seeing how things go". I guess when your body could let you down at any minute and you're used to plans changing with little to no control over them, you start to cling on to any kind of routine, safety & certainty that you can. This makes leaving the familiar town I grew up in, my home, support system, parents, dogs, friends & children I look after and heading to live in a new house with new people in a new city pretty damn scary. To many this process would be exciting or even easy, (hell I have friends who have moved to the other side of the world!) but to me it was a big deal. I've felt pretty pathetic & embarrassed at how anxious the whole thing has made me. It annoys me that I can't seem to be more care free and not let it bother me so much. It is such a far cry from the old Gabi who moved to Uni with little worry at all.
I knew, however, that my worry of moving out wasn't going to go away. If I backed out of Cardiff I would only be delaying the inevitable. I was never going to live with my parents or in my home town forever, eventually I would have to leave. I knew I would be anxious wherever and whenever I was going, and that my only choice was to face the fear head on. After talking through every possible worry & concern with Mum she assured me it couldn't possibly be worse than I thought, I really had nothing to lose by giving it a go.
I moved down for 12 days before heading home again for days of hospital appointments & Chroma meetings, this did me good & worked like a bit of a trial period. Three weeks on from my first leaving home and over all I would say my Mum was right. Of course it is still early days but most of the things I was worried about have actually been fine and the things that have been stressful or hard I've dealt with and coped fine. My house mates are all great, I love my room & have even managed to parallel park on a daily basis. I walk a lot more than I used to, have visited Dan in Bath & went to a house party where I only knew one person (!!). I've taken up agency work as a TA which although was a nightmare the first week, is now looking a lot better and Chroma is continuing to do well. I have plans to go home every few weeks, (for birthdays, hospital appointments & Chroma stuff) which makes the chunks of time I'm in Cardiff a lot more enjoyable & keeps the homesickness under control. The whole process has been far from an easy one but I did it & I do feel pretty proud.
There are only five months left on our lease on the house & I'm not sure yet if I'll be staying in Cardiff after that point.
I guess I'll have to 'go with the flow' and 'see how things go'... (ergh).
XXX
Saturday, 2 January 2016
2016 Plans & Resolutions
My plans & resolutions for 2016!
1. Raise some money for Crohn's & Colitis UK.
This has been something I have thought about for a while, but I could never decide on what to do & frankly got lazy. The past year however, I have been more aware of some of the awful things happening around the world & decided it was time to get up and actually do something worth while. After talking through things with my Mum I decided to start small(ish) & with a cause that is obviously, pretty close to my heart. I am going to take on a bit of a challenge and hopefully raise some money for Crohn's & Colitis UK.
I went through a lot of different options for what this challenge could be & decided that walking/hiking/trekking was the most up my street. I got a bit excited and spent a while looking on challenge websites - my favourite options included walking across the Alps, along the Great Wall of China or through the Sahara Desert; many of these had to be discounted as I am not able to have certain vaccines & others were either booked up or had to be booked for late 2016 or even 2017.
I began to explore the idea of a UK based challenge. Many of those listed on Charity Challenge websites involved going up. Up Ben Nevis, up Snowdon, up the Four Peaks - something which will really aggravate my knee. The pre-arranged options are also pretty regimented, with exact dates, times and an itinerary already organised for you. For some this is great but I am a complete control freak and much prefer the idea of planning & putting together my very own challenge.
I am very aware of making it 'challenging' and something worth people donating their money, it needs to be something I can work towards. A few months ago I was using crutches so frankly not much would test me at this point but I don't want it to be too easy.
My current plan is to walk Hadrian's Wall. It's a good distance, not a continuous climb up but still a challenge. I was born in Newcastle & haven't been back since I was 18 months old, so it is also a great opportunity to go back & visit! This all may change between now and May but it is going to be super exciting to organise it all & hopefully raise some money in the process.
2. Get back to exercising
For over a year I was used to going to the gym regularly, sometimes 4-5 times a week. My knee injury back in July put an abrupt stop to this & I have yet to get back in to it. Like many others, my plan for 2016 is to get my fitness levels up & back to exercising regularly. It is hard to get in to but I know it'll be worth it, it always makes me feel better both about the way I look & in controlling my anxiety.
3. Make it fun
Looking forward to 2016 I am determined to make the year fun. Spending months of 2015 house bound has inspired me to do more, try to worry less & generally have more of a good time. So far I have tickets to see Adele with my Mum, have booked to see Swan Lake at the Royal Albert Hall & have plans to go to Wimbledon. I want to have things to look forward to.
4. Have a whole day off a week
Now I think this one was on my list last year & I definitely didn't stick to it. My aim is to have one full day off Chroma a week. No emails, no checking orders. Working for yourself, it is really hard to not be thinking about it 24/7. I think it'll do me a lot of good to have 24 hours out every week.
5. Stay positive & keep an open mind
I often try and prepare for the worst because if I'm honest, in the past, the worst has happened. I have learnt over the years that things don't always go well or to plan even if you do everything you can - things are outside of your control. In some respects I think this has made me very resilient & I cope with the bad stuff well, in other ways, I think it has made me a bit of a control freak & quick to assume the worst. In 2016 I want to try and stay positive, always look on the bright side & keep an open mind about things which I would usually feel really anxious or worried about.
Hopefully I'll be able to stick to them all! Either way, I think 2016 is going to be a really great year!
xxx
1. Raise some money for Crohn's & Colitis UK.
This has been something I have thought about for a while, but I could never decide on what to do & frankly got lazy. The past year however, I have been more aware of some of the awful things happening around the world & decided it was time to get up and actually do something worth while. After talking through things with my Mum I decided to start small(ish) & with a cause that is obviously, pretty close to my heart. I am going to take on a bit of a challenge and hopefully raise some money for Crohn's & Colitis UK.
I went through a lot of different options for what this challenge could be & decided that walking/hiking/trekking was the most up my street. I got a bit excited and spent a while looking on challenge websites - my favourite options included walking across the Alps, along the Great Wall of China or through the Sahara Desert; many of these had to be discounted as I am not able to have certain vaccines & others were either booked up or had to be booked for late 2016 or even 2017.
I began to explore the idea of a UK based challenge. Many of those listed on Charity Challenge websites involved going up. Up Ben Nevis, up Snowdon, up the Four Peaks - something which will really aggravate my knee. The pre-arranged options are also pretty regimented, with exact dates, times and an itinerary already organised for you. For some this is great but I am a complete control freak and much prefer the idea of planning & putting together my very own challenge.
I am very aware of making it 'challenging' and something worth people donating their money, it needs to be something I can work towards. A few months ago I was using crutches so frankly not much would test me at this point but I don't want it to be too easy.
My current plan is to walk Hadrian's Wall. It's a good distance, not a continuous climb up but still a challenge. I was born in Newcastle & haven't been back since I was 18 months old, so it is also a great opportunity to go back & visit! This all may change between now and May but it is going to be super exciting to organise it all & hopefully raise some money in the process.
2. Get back to exercising
For over a year I was used to going to the gym regularly, sometimes 4-5 times a week. My knee injury back in July put an abrupt stop to this & I have yet to get back in to it. Like many others, my plan for 2016 is to get my fitness levels up & back to exercising regularly. It is hard to get in to but I know it'll be worth it, it always makes me feel better both about the way I look & in controlling my anxiety.
3. Make it fun
Looking forward to 2016 I am determined to make the year fun. Spending months of 2015 house bound has inspired me to do more, try to worry less & generally have more of a good time. So far I have tickets to see Adele with my Mum, have booked to see Swan Lake at the Royal Albert Hall & have plans to go to Wimbledon. I want to have things to look forward to.
4. Have a whole day off a week
Now I think this one was on my list last year & I definitely didn't stick to it. My aim is to have one full day off Chroma a week. No emails, no checking orders. Working for yourself, it is really hard to not be thinking about it 24/7. I think it'll do me a lot of good to have 24 hours out every week.
5. Stay positive & keep an open mind
I often try and prepare for the worst because if I'm honest, in the past, the worst has happened. I have learnt over the years that things don't always go well or to plan even if you do everything you can - things are outside of your control. In some respects I think this has made me very resilient & I cope with the bad stuff well, in other ways, I think it has made me a bit of a control freak & quick to assume the worst. In 2016 I want to try and stay positive, always look on the bright side & keep an open mind about things which I would usually feel really anxious or worried about.
Hopefully I'll be able to stick to them all! Either way, I think 2016 is going to be a really great year!
xxx
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