Graduation!

Hello everyone!

After my last ranting post, I am incredibly pleased to fill you in with some very good news! Last Wednesday I graduated from the University of the Creative Arts, with a 2:1 in BA (Hons) Fashion Promotion & Imaging! After the longest three years (four if you include my Art Foundation) I am very relieved to have come out with a 2:1. Obviously I would have loved a 1st, something made all the more annoying by missing out on it by a tiny 2%?! I managed to get a 1st for my dissertation and my final major project which means that it largely came down to my 2nd year, to dragging my final grade down.
I hate, hate, hate to ever use Crohn's as an excuse or to ever let it get in the way but unfortunately sometimes, it seems to be unavoidable. Despite my hardest efforts I still wasn't able to achieve the 1st which I know I would have gotten if I hadn't been so poorly or missed so much Uni. Of course, a 2:1 is still an incredible achievement but for me, as a complete perfectionist I couldn't help but be a bit gutted that it managed to get in the way of my full potential. Sometimes it does feel that no amount of incredibly hard work will be able to counteract the 'crap' that comes with the disease. However, after the initial disappointment I can see how considering everything that has happened and the challenges I faced, especially in my 2nd year, I should be very happy.

So, after finding out my grade a couple of weeks ago, I headed to London Festival Hall on Wednesday for my graduation ceremony. Both my brothers couldn't make it so it was just me and my parents, which was still lovely. It was a long, tiring day and at times I got very hot and sweaty - which is not a great look - but all in all I loved it. My dress had been chosen weeks before, and I had tried on multiple different pieces of underwear to find the one which would disguise Margaret the best! I think the final choices worked very well.

At a couple of points I did have a mini panic that she would decide to leak everywhere and my white dress would do little to hide it. I did however go very prepared with a spare dress, just in case! After getting my gown and hat fitted and having my professional photos taken, we had just over an hour to kill, which we spent taking lots more photos. I got to see friends I haven't seen since the course finished and have photos taken with girls that have gone through 4 long years of blood, sweat and tears with me! Due to my Margaret paranoia I decided to try and eat as little as possible before the point of walking across stage. I ate some Haribo up on the train (very healthy) and a full fat coke, but apart from that I stayed away from food until after the ceremony. I just couldn't deal with having her be obvious in all my photos and in front of at thousands of people. In my day to day life I am largely pretty confident about having her, and don't think about it too much, but going on stage turned me in to a complete nervous wreck!
I was terrified before going on stage, I am not one to enjoy the spotlight or be the centre of attention, so having all eyes on me - even for just a couple of minutes - had me shaking. Thankfully, I did not fall over or make a complete fool out of myself, so once I was safely back in my seat I felt much calmer and properly felt that I could enjoy the rest of the day!
After the ceremony, the three of us headed to an amazing Italian restaurant near Covent Garden which finished off an amazing day wonderfully!

It was once home and after looking through the many, many photos I think the day really sunk in and for the first time I felt pretty, damn proud of myself.

XXX

Junk Food - Fuming

So, many of you will have seen in the news today Dr Sally Mitton talk about the increase in young people being admitted to hospital in the past decade. The fact that in 2003/2004 there were 4937 reported cases of young people being admitted to hospital with Crohn's Disease compared with the 19,405 cases in 2013/2014 is a pretty awful statistic. I am part of this statistic and if one good thing comes of this is that it will help raise awareness and funding for research as to why. This dramatic increase has clearly grabbed the attention of the British press and what I take huge issue with is what Dr Mitton goes on to state....

"if you have a lot of junk food in your diet before your diagnosis, it actually makes you more likely to develop Crohn's Disease... a lot of antibiotics - particularly in younger life - seem to be more likely to develop this condition..."

The backlash of this kind of comment is incredibly negative. For a disease already burdened with stigma and assumptions, the last thing it needs is people believing that the reason we all have it is due to stuffing our faces with 'junk food'. Now, people around me will know, that I do love a good McDonald's, however this love began aged 18, 2 years after my diagnosis. Prior to my diagnosis I was a healthy 8 stone, 16 year old, who did dance, netball and karate. My dad still cooked all my meals at home and I had no money to buy my own junk food or takeaways.

As a child I lived the first part of my life in Spain, a country where at the time there simply wasn't processed foods. I grew up on a diet of olives, fresh fruit and vegetables, rice and seafood. 'Kids' junk food wasn't available and children ate the same as adults. My whole life, my Dad has cooked every evening meal from scratch. I have never grown up with processed or 'junk foods'. To this day, aged 22, I have never had a microwave or 'oven' meal.

By making such a sweeping, damaging statement Dr Mitton and the press which quoted her, have managed to alienate and stigmatise an already 'embarrassing' disease. By claiming a link with 'junk food' she has allowed sufferers to think that this horrendous, life changing disease is their fault, and the parents of children with it to believe it was down to something they did wrong. The report basically puts blame on the patients, which is not just incredibly unfair but also ignorant and down right wrong. There are so many possible causes of the disease with the majority being completely uncontrollable such as genetics, pollution and viruses. This 'blame' shames patients and their parents (if diagnosed as a child) who are already battling with the day-to-day crap (no pun intended) that comes with having the disease. I couldn't bare to think of my parents ever thinking that me having this disease was their fault.

Frankly, if parents and patients are to blame for eating junk food and thus having Crohn's then surely a considerable amount of 'blame' needs to be directed to whoever was providing turkey twirlers, potato smiley faces and processed burgers to primary aged school children before Jamie Oliver put a stop to it.

Not once since my diagnosis have I ever been told about 'junk food' or diet being the cause. I have never been offered nutritional advice or been asked to alter what I eat. I would like to think that if this were to be the cause then this advice would have been given by my extremely experience medical staff. Once you have been diagnosed, many people notice that certain foods upset their symptoms or they develop food intolerances. These kind of diet changed or adaptations are very individual to each patient - there is no blanket cause/treatment/diet plan.

The fact remains that having Crohn's Disease comes with a lot of 'unknown' and there are clearly multiple factors and arguments for why certain people get the disease. However, claiming that this is down to junk food and having that aparent 'cause' leading the report is hugely damaging and has a very wide knock on effect. I am disgusted.

Safe to say I am fuming.

Happy Birthday Margaret... what a difference a year makes.

Today is Margaret's first birthday.
I remember, a year ago today I sat in the pre-op waiting room, with my mum, waiting to go in to surgery and have Margaret. The name had already been chosen, and as I was given the anaesthetic I remember thinking about telling the nurse what I had planned on calling her.
(Jeeze - she sounds like my child)

It's only looking back now, that I realise just how poorly I was and how much worse I could have gotten. At the time I was pretty oblivious to how unwell I was, I had gotten so used to feeling awful that I think both me and those around me lost some perspective of how bad I was. I remember sitting, waiting to meet my surgeon for the first time, discussing with my Mum that maybe I didn't look ill enough as I was having a 'good day'.
Half an hour later Mr Surgeon offered to do the surgery that afternoon - clearly my 'good day' wasn't that great. I still remember what I was wearing that day and how ridiculous I looked in one of the huge hospital wheelchairs. Three sleeps later, Margaret was created.

Looking back at the last year it is scary to see how much can change in 12 months.
I have been on radio, had my blog tweeted by the likes of Alan Sugar, Alan Carr, Dynamo and Lennox Lewis, lost 16lbs and bought a dachshund.
One thing I am incredibly proud of is finishing my degree, something which I never doubted I would do but I know could have easily not happened. Completing a degree for anyone is an achievement and not an easy task, I know I have had it pretty bad but there are people everywhere who have gotten through a lot worse. I still firmly believe that everyone has their crap to deal with and I don't really believe that my achievement is that much greater than others.
One thing I do hope it shows people is that having an illness should never, ever stop you, and that with a hell of a lot of hard work there is no reason why you can't do anything you want. I have managed to complete a lot of things on Margaret and I's to do list, although I still haven't met David Beckham, something which I can't get my head round but am convinced will one day happen!

I won't pretend that this year has been easy, months of it were pretty horrendous in fact. I am grateful to Margaret for keeping me alive and making me better. We do, however, have a love-hate relationship. If I had the choice she would be reversed in a heart beat and I wouldn't miss her for a second. I have thought a lot about what life would be like without her and I would do things a lot differently than I did before Margaret. The main thing being wear bikinis. All day every day, Summer and Winter, with every fat roll on show for all to see because until you can't you don't realise how good it is to bare your belly. Whether that will ever happen remains to be seen, but my fingers and toes are crossed.

The people that surround me are what have gotten me through, my amazing parents and brothers and wonderful friends (my girls and Harry in particular) - so to them a huge, huge thank you. One thing I have learnt over the year is who really cares and what really matters and that life is way too short. I value being able to go out and enjoy myself, see my friends and make plans. Spending a lot of time in bed, in hospital, in wheelchairs or on crutches with my arthritic knee has made me really think about my body and how insanely lucky I am to be able to walk, run and dance.

To everyone who has read, or still reads, this little blog and has gotten it to just under a crazy 75,000 views - thank you too. The kind words of strangers still blows my mind.

A year ago I was in a wheelchair, incredibly poorly and terrified of what was to come.
I sit now, a year on, with my joy of a dachshund on my lap, and both the healthiest and happiest I have ever been.

So thank you and happy birthday Margaret.



xxx

Bye Bye Uni!

So that is it!

After three long years full of many highs and rock bottom lows I have finally finished my degree. Last week I handed in my final major project, "Chroma Notebooks", after setting up my exhibition space. I expected to hand it all in and be on a huge high, instead I didn't really feel anything. I was exhausted and felt like I wanted to sleep for weeks, the nights after my hand in I still struggled to sleep and felt anxious. It was only until a few days later that I felt a massive sense of relief. Now, nearly two weeks on, it has really hit home! I spent the Bank Holiday weekend celebrating with all my wonderful friends. Tonight is my final exhibition opening for family and friends which will also help mark an end to my time at UCA. I don't graudate until mid June and I have no idea when I will find out my grade but until then I plan to enjoy the freedom before I enter the 'real world'.

The stress of these final few weeks had clearly been starting to take their toll on my old tummy. I had been having sore stomach cramps and back ache which for me are the first warning signs of the Crohn's playing up. I also suffered from this weird white stuff coming out of the other end of Margaret - the bit of intestine connected to my un-used intestine. This did worry me quite a bit so I got in touch with my consultant who thankfully put my mind at rest. Luckily it seems to have now settled down and all my symptoms have disappeared! I always new stress was a big factor in my disease and this made it all the more clear. 

My exhibition space

My portfolio 

My graduation dress

As I have mentioned many times my quest to tone up and keep fit is an on going battle. I love the idea of exercise and looking slim but hate, with a passion, getting out of breath. I have decided however that with three months to go until my holiday to Spain, I really should join a gym! I have been twice since I joined three days ago which is a good start! I guess we'll see how I get on.
Last night my lovely friend Phoebe and I decided to try something new. We headed to our first aerial hoop class. For those that don't know you basically do a series of moves/poses/transitions on a hoop suspended in the air - a bit like in the circus. I went in thinking it would be a bit of fun, never expecting it to be as hard work as it was. The work out my arms and stomach had was intense; I could barely use the gear stick to drive home and the backs of my knees were in agony. It was only when I got home that I could have a look.

These are the backs of my knees just 10 hours after the class. You spend a lot of your time gripping the steal hoop with the backs of your legs, with them taking your whole body weight. Obviously my knees were not a fan of this and the bruising I have been left with is pretty awful. Strangely I am quite keen to head back and get better. It felt so good to be doing something different whilst keeping fit and I felt like I learnt so much!... I will let you know how I get on next week...

Finally the Cosmopolitan Blog Awards have come round again, if you love what I do and fancy entering me for the Best Newcomer or Best Lifestyle Blog then I would be very grateful!

BLOG AWARDS!


Lots of love!
XXX

Chroma

Hi lovely people,

So as I mentioned in my last process I have set up my own business as part of my final major uni project. I have decided to carry it on once I graduate which is all very exciting!
I am doing my best to get things off the ground if you could all check out my website and online shop and spread the word, I would be incredibly grateful! You can find me here:

www.chromanotebooks.co.uk

I also have my FACEBOOK and TWITTER

Any feedback or comments would also be very much appreciated.

I'm sorry to say that due to this business taking over I don't have much other news! My life currently consists of uni work, organising Chroma and working - not the most fun combination eh!
I will update you all as soon as I hand everything in and my life yes a little more exciting.

Lots of love
XXX

My March Update

Hello Everyone!

SO!
As I may have mentioned in my last post, my consultant was going to be having a meeting with her team to discuss my medication and the possibility of coming off either the Aza tablets or the Humira injections. I'd forgotten all about this conversation until I got a letter in the post last week explaining that this won't be happening until at least August, at my next appointment. They want to leave it a full year of owning old Margaret before taking me off meds.
I know that logically this is a sensible decision and I know if I do end up going for a reversal I want to have the best chances of staying healthy. However... I can't help but be a bit gutted that I won't be lowering the meds. Practically it doesn't really matter, taking tablets is something I have done my whole life for one thing or another and the injections have become routine and no longer bother me. It's more the idea of pumping chemicals and medication in to my body. I'm not a very holistic person but it does scare me sometimes...

Since my last post, many things have happened!

1/ Toby is 6 months old and his puppy teeth are falling out! I found some on the floor, which was a bit bizarre and made me sad - I want him to stay a puppy forever.

2/ I have managed to commit to losing a bit of weight and getting fitter. I think being told I had lost 9 pounds really spurred me on to lose a bit more - I feel given I am half way there, pretty much by accident, I couldn't let myself slip backwards! So recently I have been doing Davina Fit DVDs, which are surprisingly hard but quite fun. I have also cut out takeaways and cut down on McDonalds... I am even signing up for Race For Life! Yes, I am going to try running.... again.

3/ I also had the best ever news... I got a 1st in my dissertation! Something I am over joyed about. I worked incredibly hard on that piece of writting and really enjoyed putting it together. I am really glad that despite everything, nothing got in the way and I still pulled it out of the bag! Hopefully this sets me up and stands me in good stead for my final degree grade.

4/ For my final major project I have set up my own stationery brand called Chroma. I would love all of your support so if you could like my Facebook & Twitter page that would be great! The online site goes live on April 6th - so look out for that too! Thank you :)

CHROMA FACEBOOK

CHROMA TWITTER

5/ As part of keeping slim I also decided to go to a ballet class... I did ballet aged 6 for a term or two and did other types of dance for about four years until I was 16. I have always been pretty flexible and after watching Big Ballet I felt inspired to have a go again. I headed to the class full of anticipation, feeling like I was in Fame! But after the class, I hate to say it, but I was really disappointed. I found it incredibly hard work and difficult to follow which would have been fine but the class was full of people who had been doing it for a long while longer than me and knew what they were doing. It was very hard to keep up and I felt a bit silly. On top of that my knee played up a lot and was really sore afterwards - I ended up having to sit with ice on it to reduce the swelling. So all in all not very successful... which was a big disappointment!

I now have about 4 and half weeks until my final hand in of my final major project, something which will mark the end of my degree! It is obviously a very stressful time and I think this is why my tummy has been a bit sore. Of course it is nothing compared to how it has been but I am getting the odd grumbly tummy ache. I do think this is mainly down to how stressed I feel and working really hard every day either at uni or work. Hopefully once this is all handed in the stress will ease and so will the grumbly tummy.

Coming up is the busiest time of my life so far so I will endeavour to update the blog but if not.. see you on the other side...

Lots of love
xxx

Margaret Meet Margaret

Hi guys,

So last week I received a telling off letter from one of the lovely IBD nurses about my lack of bloods. I am supposed to get them done every 2 months due to the cocktail of medication that I am on but the last few months have been so busy with Uni, work and basically enjoying life for the first time in a long, long while - I have completely forgotten about getting them done. So last Thursday I went in to my GP surgery, tail between my legs, to pick up my blood form before heading to the local hospital to get the bloods done. I had tried to book an appointment with my normal, trusty phlebotomist (favourite word right there) but I needed them so last minute, there was no available slot.
This is where my luck changed! It turned out someone had just canceled and I could be fitted in, which was brilliant as she knows the exact vein that my blood will drip out of, rather than having to poke me with numerous needles. I ran out to tell my Mum who was waiting in the car for me, she decided to whizz home whilst I was having it done and then come back to pick me up afterwards - she handed me her phone, as I hadn't picked mine up and off I went. Fifteen minutes later as I left the surgery and went to call my Mum I realised that her phone was locked and lucky me didn't know the pin.
I racked my brains with how I could get in touch with her realising I knew nobody in the local area who I could borrow a phone from and absolutely no money for a phone box. I tried a reverse charge call only to find out that our home phone had blocked them... very helpful! I ended up walking fifteen minutes in the rain and wind, with just a cardigan on, to the local Waitrose, where I begged to borrow their phone, looking like a drowned rat. Thankfully, they agreed and my Mum soon showed up to save me.

Two days later I headed to my see my consultant at the big hospital, where I have previously stayed. It always feels a little too familiar and a little uncomfortable when I go back there. That particular hospital stay, over a year ago now, was horrendous and filled with fear and pain. I now try and smile at anyone wandering round in hospital gowns or being wheeled in beds and wheelchairs, I know how awful they must be feeling.
On arrival I was weighed, as I always am and settled down in the waiting room. Eventually I was called in where I was greeted with,
"So is this the new slim Gabi then?"
This is not the usual way I am greeted, and although very faltered I was very confused - I thought 'oh I must have lost a bit of weight then!'
Turns out I have lost 9 pounds in 3 months! How amazing is that! I tell you, it was the best news to hear on a Friday morning. I have been watching what I eat and have obviously cut out takeaways for weeks now but I never in a million years thought I had lost that much. Very happy news indeed.
After going through my symptoms (none) and my medication (same as ever) my consultant announced that she has been reading my blog and passing it on to other patients, 'GREAT!' I thought, the more people who get something from it the better...
She followed this up with, 'and I know what you have called your stoma...'
You see, my consultant's name is Margaret...

Now I have said this before, this is a complete coincidence. Matt came up with the name before I even got Margaret and I never made the connection; it was only Mum who pointed it out once it had already stuck. I had never quite got around to revealing this to my consultant, never sure when the right time would be, but now, it turns out she knows!
I laughed a lot and assured her that this was never deliberate and in fact a good thing, and if you are reading this then - hello!

We decided that it is probably a good idea to leave Margaret alone for a while longer, and really give my bowel a rest. I know this is the right thing to do and in many ways I am loving being healthy and enjoying life. However, there is part of me that is a little disappointed - being fairly newly single has made me much more aware of having Margaret and she doesn't provide the best chat up lines - but I guess thats another new hurdle we will have to overcome.

Oh! Also! In case you didn't see Sam Faiers (who I mentioned in my previous post) has recently gone on This Morning to talk about Crohn's and her diagnosis. I found the interview truly brilliant, she perfectly described the symptoms and the reality of living with the disease. I still have people who are confused and liken it to IBS or food intolerance, but Sam successfully managed to articulate exactly how it feels to have this disease.
Check out the interview here! and let me know what you think!

Lots of love especially to my fellow IBD sufferers,
XXX