I finally made the move to Cardiff.
The first week of January was spent packing up my Chroma office space at my parents home & filling suitcases with clothes. Luckily the majority of my personal things had already been moved in a few months before, so aside from Chroma there wasn't as much to take. On a rainy Saturday morning I said a very tearful goodbye to the labradors, Toby (who would be joining me once I was settled in) & my Dad and drove in convoy with Mum to Wales. As I drove across the Severn Bridge I couldn't quite believe it was actually happening.
The night before I was due to move, I had a bit of a melt down, I wanted to back out & change my mind. For months I was unable to make the move because of my knee, then December came around & Chroma went insane. This was, of course, brilliant but it would have been stupid to pack everything up and move to a different city during my busiest time of the year. By Christmas I don't think people really believed I would actually move.
The months of delays meant I had way too much time to worry about all the things that could go wrong. After everything that has happened in the past few years I hate being outside of my comfort zone, I hate "going with the flow" and "seeing how things go". I guess when your body could let you down at any minute and you're used to plans changing with little to no control over them, you start to cling on to any kind of routine, safety & certainty that you can. This makes leaving the familiar town I grew up in, my home, support system, parents, dogs, friends & children I look after and heading to live in a new house with new people in a new city pretty damn scary. To many this process would be exciting or even easy, (hell I have friends who have moved to the other side of the world!) but to me it was a big deal. I've felt pretty pathetic & embarrassed at how anxious the whole thing has made me. It annoys me that I can't seem to be more care free and not let it bother me so much. It is such a far cry from the old Gabi who moved to Uni with little worry at all.
I knew, however, that my worry of moving out wasn't going to go away. If I backed out of Cardiff I would only be delaying the inevitable. I was never going to live with my parents or in my home town forever, eventually I would have to leave. I knew I would be anxious wherever and whenever I was going, and that my only choice was to face the fear head on. After talking through every possible worry & concern with Mum she assured me it couldn't possibly be worse than I thought, I really had nothing to lose by giving it a go.
I moved down for 12 days before heading home again for days of hospital appointments & Chroma meetings, this did me good & worked like a bit of a trial period. Three weeks on from my first leaving home and over all I would say my Mum was right. Of course it is still early days but most of the things I was worried about have actually been fine and the things that have been stressful or hard I've dealt with and coped fine. My house mates are all great, I love my room & have even managed to parallel park on a daily basis. I walk a lot more than I used to, have visited Dan in Bath & went to a house party where I only knew one person (!!). I've taken up agency work as a TA which although was a nightmare the first week, is now looking a lot better and Chroma is continuing to do well. I have plans to go home every few weeks, (for birthdays, hospital appointments & Chroma stuff) which makes the chunks of time I'm in Cardiff a lot more enjoyable & keeps the homesickness under control. The whole process has been far from an easy one but I did it & I do feel pretty proud.
There are only five months left on our lease on the house & I'm not sure yet if I'll be staying in Cardiff after that point.
I guess I'll have to 'go with the flow' and 'see how things go'... (ergh).
XXX
No comments:
Post a Comment